Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Trying to Smile.

It seems that every day that passes by, I find it harder and harder for me to smile. I can't exactly say why. But it's been a rather difficult couple of weeks for me. I wish there was some way that I can talk to someone outside my family, but there's really none. Honestly speaking, I am still not ready to talk to anyone else.

Not going out of the house, let alone, the room.
Not answering the telephone.

Not logging in my Yahoo and MSN messengers.
Not sending any emails.

It's hard, yes, but I made it a point to dodge bullets, at least for now. I know that there are people out there who want to talk to me. How I wish I can do that. The thing is, I'm just not yet ready to speak with any of them.

Every morning, when I wake up, I couldn't help but feel bad. I couldn't stop myself from feeling so down. At night when I lie on my bed, I cry myself to sleep. I have dreams of what happened before. It's almost becoming a routine for me. I guess I have to go through this phase. Sometimes, I'm still in denial that what happened really happened. At times, I think that everything was just a bad dream, and so I kept wishing that I would wake up and realize that I am in a happy place.

Everyday, I prayed to God that I could go back in time so I could right the wrong things I did. I wanted so much to return to that time so I can avoid making the same mistakes I did. If only I had that power, then maybe I wouldn't be in this kind of situation.
In the end, I still believe that there's a reason why everything happened. Though I still don't understand why, at this point, I truly believe that God intended for my life to go to this direction. When that happened, I blamed no one else but myself. And every time I prayed to God, I kept telling Him that I don't want to live like this anymore and that I'd rather forget everything about my life than go on living remembering every little detail. Truth be told, I still do wish that at times.

Right now, the only haven I can go to is here -- my blog. Because here, I can still babble all I want. Though the readers may not be aware of what the hell I am talking about, still, I am able to let out all feelings I keep bottled up inside.
I guess I have to end it here now. Hopefully, in a day or two, I can blog on a happier note.

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