Friday, March 21, 2008

Mustering the Courage.

They say that it is easier to talk to a stranger about your problems than to someone you're really close to. Probably it's because the stranger won't have much to say to say to you after you tell him about your problem. You would rather hear an opinion of someone you don't know than of someone who knows you very well because you are too scared of the possibility that the opinion of the latter would hurt you so much, you cannot bear the pain of hearing it.

...Which is why I chose to write about my innermost feelings instead.

I was never a good speaker. I don't really know how to express myself verbally. I would rather write everything down than to say them to anyone at all. What's more is that I am always afraid of what the other person might say about me. So intead of making a fool of myself in front of someone else, I find the unusual comfort of writing down everything without any concern of what might be said about me.

But I would be lying if I said I don't miss talking to someone. I miss them. The people I used to talk to. I miss them so much, it hurts to the very core of my being. I wish there is a way I can gather enough courage to talk to them, or at least, to one of them. Unfortunately, I am still too weak, too afraid even, to say a word. I am afraid that if I say something, I would say a lie. Something that I am trying so hard to prevent from happening ever again.

Looking back, I try to figure out how I could deceive the people so close to me. I kept asking myself, "how could I lie about something like this?" It's unfair, I know. It's just so unfair for them. After what I did, do I expect these people to be my friends still? I'm quite positive...that I'll probably lose a bunch of them. I mean, who would want to be friends with someone like me? Lie after lie after lie...why make an effort to patch things up?

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe I'm being paranoid. Then again, maybe I'm right about the whole thing. I'm too much of a coward to talk to anyone. I still can't find that peace of mind that I long for. I need to do myself a favor and try to normalize my life before I can go and talk to others. Especially to the people I care about.

Nowadays, the only people I am talking to are my parents. My mom, most of the time. Maybe by talking to my mom and my dad about everything, I can get that peace I am looking for. They are the two people I am getting the courage from so I can go back to where I am supposed to be. After all, they are my parents. Who can help me more than them, right?

I know there are still people out there who are willing to work things out with me. I can only think of a handful. But at least, I'm trying to be optimistic, in a way.

Everything will fall into place. I do believe in that. Things will be as God intended them to be. I am sure of that.

All of a sudden I remember a song that David Archuleta of American Idol 7 sang two nights ago. "The Long and Winding Road" by the Beatles is the song I can relate to. That is how I see my life at this moment. The lyrics are just so powerful, so mesmerizing...the song just speaks to me, as if it was meant for me to hear.

Many times I've been alone
Many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know
The many times I've tried
But still they lead me back
To the long and winding road

Hmm...somehow, it's starting to make sense again. My life, that is.

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