Saturday, October 31, 2009

From Sulking to Smiling -- to Sulking Again.

I was down.
And then I was happy.
And then I was down again.

I'm sorry -- I just can't seem to keep smiling the whole day through. If anything, I can only smile for a few hours. And I'm sorry if I could only put on a fake smile.

It's just not the same anymore. I've lost the will to smile. I don't exactly know how it happened -- I just did. I have succeeded in putting on the mask to hide from everyone how I really feel. But it's starting to hurt me inside. It's starting to make me want to break down and cry it all out.

For the past week, I have been feeling depressed. I have shared with you the reason why. So when my officemates from LEP said that there's a Halloween costume party scheduled on Friday, I decided to go. I wasn't really planning to, but what the heck, right? Let's face it, I needed to have fun, and spending time with my officemates is a sure way to make me laugh.

So I went. I dressed up as a little pink fairy -- complete with fairy wings and fairy tiara. I called myself "Pink Tinkerbell." It worked. I was partying with my officemates, eating food with them, taking pictures with them -- I was having fun.

And then I had to go home. As soon as I changed back to my regular clothes, I suddenly lost the smile.

Let me just end this post with one thought. Because right now, I just want to lie in my bed and stare into nothingness. If lucky, I may even cry.

It's weird...
when you go from being strangers to being friends.
Then suddenly...
back to being practically strangers again.

It's clear to me now why I'm feeling this way.
I just hope -- I can get back up soon.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Ever lie on your bed with the next hundred things you have to do to run through your head?
Ever lost touch and let a good friendship fade because you never had time to call and say hi?
When you run too fast to get somewhere, you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day, it's like an unopened gift thrown away.

This is basically what's been happening to me.
I have wallowed in my job that I am suddenly out of touch with the other things around me.
I hate to say it, but I was living the life my mom feared I'd have if I was so career-oriented.
But I was sad and work is the only solution I could think of to not think about my grief.

What I thought to be a "good alternative" turned out to be an issue waiting to happen.
Everyone at work was noticing my apparent despondency.
So everyone has asked me what's really the matter with me.
Thank you for the concern -- but it's hard to talk about something like this.

It seemed I was inconsolable...and I guess, I'm pretty much that.
Nothing that people are telling me is sinking into my head.
No matter how much they try to cheer me up, I just feel down.
Can't I just cry it all out without feeling stupid?

But I'd like to thank one person -- who surely tried his best to make me feel better.
The person who told me that there's so much around to divert my sadness to...
So all I had to do was listen to the music.
To him, I say thank you for trying.

Maybe this time, I'll stop to listen to the rain pouring on the ground or gaze at the sun in the fading sky.
After all, life's not a race.
I should take it slower.
Really listen to the song before it's over.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Momentary Sadness.

Ok. I admit it. I'm sad. I'm down. Lately, I've been feeling rather gloomy. And I guess it's just now that things are really showing why. Or in my case, it's just now that I've acknowledged that I am, in fact, depressed.

I was hanging out in Greenbelt after work. To get some peace of mind. Working from 9AM to 5PM without actually eating lunch, I have decided to give myself a break and eat something. So I hung out in Starbucks (wherelse would I be, right?), ordered a chicken club asparagus sandwich and brewed coffee, and sat on one corner of the coffee shop as I read some blog entries of random people.

Two particular blogs made a huge impact today. One from Lea Salonga, the other from Bo Sanchez. In Lea's blog, she says:

"Isn't it weird that there are people who are such a huge part of your life one minute, and then absolutely nothing the next?"

It was exactly what I have been wondering all along. I started to question what really happened. I wanted to know what went on. As if on cue, I read Bo's latest blog, which could possibly be the answer to the question that Lea has asked. He says:

"Warning: There’s a cruel epidemic afflicting our families, our marriages, and our friendships. It’s called the Relationship Drift.
It’s a very devious disease. It’s like some cancers. You really don’t know you have it until it’s fatal. And then it’s too late.
And then Relationship Drift becomes Relationship Dead."

As if by God-sent, this is exactly what I needed to know. The truth of the matter is this: there are people in my life who I haven't spoken to or haven't seen for quite some time now and it's making me sad to see that we can't even make time to just talk.

So here's my way of reaching out to those people:

To my kuya
Kuya, I feel that there's something you want to tell me but given our busy schedules and time difference, we don't have much time to just talk. I wish you were here again. I wish we could do what we've done before -- where we go out, hang around, and talk about what's happening in our lives. I miss you so much that it's making me so sad, I wish you hadn't gone to the US.

To my bez
Bez, it's always different when you and I share what we need to share. Two years have passed us by and still, I can't get over the fact that you're back home in the States and I'm right here. I miss the times when you and I could meet up at the coffee shop and let our feelings out. There's so much I want to tell you and even though I can always email you, I just keep wishing you could be here because I need a shoulder to cry on.

To my anak and my bru
The three of us are here and yet we can't even make time to see each other. It's been months now and I hate the fact that we have yet to see each other. Are we really so busy with our work that we can't make time for us to catch up on things? We can't even be online at the same time. What has happened to us? I need you guys. I need your comfort.

To my friend
It's really a wonder how at one point we talk for almost the whole day and all of a sudden, we don't even acknowledge each other when we see one another. What's happened? What's wrong? Why is it that out of the blue, there is an inexplicable silence that distance us from one another? I'd like to think that both of us are just too busy -- but at the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if we are really that occupied with work that we've decided to just not talk to each other. I hate to say it but I'm starting to miss back then when we bug each other -- even during work.

It pains me. It really does. My life has suddenly become too quiet for my own liking.

Let me feel your presence again. Let me know you're there. Let me be happy once again.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

I want to go bowling!

I do. I really, really do. And if you're one of those who have been following my blog, bowling is not just bowling for me. Maybe it's the emo-ness kicking in again. Probably because it's that time of the month for yours truly. But I guess I'm just at that point where I want to tell the world, "Yes, I'm out bowling with ---."

*Sigh* I look back at the past week and I realized how much of work I've put in. And I'm not just talking about work in the office. Everyone knows that as soon as I'd get home, I'd turn on my PC, log in the internet and continue the work I wasn't able to finish in the office. Once again, I have managed to make my work a 24-hour habit.

Although I was able to get some "breaks," thanks to my dinner invites with friends -- I would still want to have that one day I am looking forward to because that's the day I'm going bowling with someone in particular. Is it really too much to ask?

A friend told me that I may be too blind to see who's interested, or that I am being a very choosy person when it comes to guys. Be that as it may, let me just point out that the dating phase is not just something I'd like to do for the sake of dating. I date because I like the guy. I date because I'd like to see if it goes somewhere. If somewhere along the way, it doesn't work out, then I say it's not working out. Harsh much? Maybe. But at least I can say I didn't lead the guy on.

Ok. Back to the point. It gets to me sometimes when all I do is work. It's not that I don't want to make time to just take a break. But the thing is, when I'm not working, I look for something to work on -- like an article that's due the next week, or research that I want to continue, stuff like that. I know it annoys my parents, especially my mom, when they see me do nothing else but my work. And it's not just with me. They're also hounding on my two brothers to not be so career-centered. While they love the fact that we're doing well in our respective careers, they're also worried that we might be so focused on our work that we're not giving ourselves time to take a break and enjoy some relaxation. So yeah, they are practically pushing us to go out and have fun. (Funny how when we were young, they wouldn't let us go out a lot -- and now, they are encouraging us to be out there.)

I don't say this much. In fact, I don't think I've really ever said it. So there -- I want to go out! I want to be out on a date again! I miss dating and I miss having fun on a date with someone.

Seriously, I want to go bowling! I do hope I get to bowl -- soon.

Till my next blog,

Monday, October 19, 2009

iPhone Blogging.

Ok, it's not really my idea to blog through my iPhone (for those who don't know, yes, I already have an iPhone). But unfortunately, I can't use my desktop computer because it's currently being reformatted and I can't use my laptop because Papa has been hogging it ever since I got the desktop computer. But I've been itching to blog since this afternoon. So -- here goes nothing.

I don't really know what's up with me lately. I can't really explain it but I've noticed that I've had a major OC mode the past three nights. I have been cleaning my room over and over again since Friday night. I can't seem to stop. My room's organized and clean but somehow, I'll find something wrong with the order of things or how I've arranged my files and all so I end up doing things all over again.

What the hell is up with me? Bothered much? Damn it! While it may be a good thing that my outlet is harmless to myself and to others, I also think it isn't healthy. Healhy in the sense that I might go berserk over the little things in the future.

So anyway, I've arranged my closet 4 times already, organized my dresser 6 times, made my bed 3 times, arranged my shoes 2 times, and put my files in their respective shelves 3 times. Oh yeah, I also washed my electric fan, ironed my clothes, sweeped my room and sorted my bags. Wow! Talk about keeping busy.

Mama has noticed and asked if I had any problems. I didn't, actually. But I guess I got so busy with the past week's work that my workaholic mode came home with me over the weekend.

Although...I was able to take a break. Like this afternoon, I went to the mall with my parents. Yesterday, I made it a point to go to the mall so I could relax. And relax, I did. I hung out in Starbucks, ordered an iced caramel macchiatto, went to an empty table, hooked on my iPhone for music and started reading the pocketbook I brought with me. Ah yes...truly relaxing. At least for a while. Unfortunately, my sanctuary was suddenly disturbed by a strange guy.

Stranger: I've noticed you since you came in. I'm Drew, by the way.
Me: You expect me to give you my name?
Stranger: I hope so.
Me: Good luck with that. Sorry, I don't like being disturbed.

The next thing I knew, the guy went back to his table where he sat with 2 other friends.

I really hate it when people invade my privacy. Snobbish much? Maybe, but I really don't care. I don't appreciate being approached like that. While it may be true that this kind of attention one gets is flattering, it's also somehow invasive. Especially when you're not there hoping to be noticed. Sometimes, you just want to be left alone in your own little space.

It's already 11:54PM. Tomorrow is a Monday which means I need to rest for tomorrow's work.

Besides, my thumbs are already restless from the continuous typing on the iPhone.

Good night, everyone!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Falling In Love: Is It Worth It?

I was cleaning up my room. Yes, it was another OC moment for me. I can't seem to stop from cleaning my space even though everything's organized. Anyway, I saw a file folder in one of my shelves marked "LETTERS." It was a compilation of letters I wrote. Addressed to no one in particular. But I think in one way or another, there was someone in particular I was thinking of. So ok, back to the story. One of the papers in the folder isn't actually a letter. It's sort of an essay. Or just random rantings on falling in love. I wrote it back in 2006. Oh it brings back memories why I wrote it. Hahaha! But I'm not going to say what happened back then.
To those who know, just keep it to yourselves, ok? Thanks!
Without further ado, I give you my latest entry.

o O o

Sometimes, in the past, late at night, when it's too quiet to pretend, I worry if I believe in anything at all, or at least, in anything beautiful. I believed in change because it is permanent. I believed in pain because it is sometimes physical. I believe in anger because it can consume you. But I was not sure I can believe in either love or trust. I could not then understand these two things most people build their dreams on.

Love fails to be unconditional by that one condition itself. It ends when we fall out of it. Then, we claim it never was love because love shouldn't die. It is forever. But when it becomes a routine, love does die. Lastly, when love turns selfish, confusing and burdensome, it isn't beautiful anymore.

As for trust, it was self-explanatory until I doubted it. When curiosity gives way to suspicion, betrayal isn't far behind. For every failed judgment, we ask ourselves: "Did I trust too little or too much?" It is difficult to shut up every question in favor of complete trust, only to realize too late something you could have known had you only asked. Where does love and trust start and end?

I have seen hundreds of people disappointed over unfulfilled relationships. I have seen passion turn into poison. I have grieved with them for the love they lost or never found. We seem to love so much, but now it's gone. We ask ourselves, "Why do I feel so lonely even if he's right beside me? Why can't our relationship be more than this?"

I think all people have, at one point in their life, experienced painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement, even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time can't be reversed.

Now, falling in love in itself is doubted by people around you. They cannot feel the warmth that consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy that grips you. They do not know that mental stress you experience trying to rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in love with a person who doesn't love you back. Oftentimes, people in love are painted as puppies following their loved ones at a distance and enjoying it. Oftentimes, people in love are misunderstood.

Who can enjoy running around with your heart on your sleeve? It's like trying to cross a tight rope and always falling into jagged cliffs because you are nervous, oh so nervous! Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It is a thousand deaths every time. It is an "unmourned" for death because no one else can understand.

Love is not sustained by hope but by wishes. There's a difference. No matter how perverse, people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly wishing that he'd give a sign to show it isn't hopeless. In desperation, unrequited lovers can even imagine signs if only to remain sane.

How can you love a brick wall? A dead end? A slavery without any sign of salvation? How foolish! How unreasonable! Unfortunately, how human, too!

"Why won't he love me? What is wrong with me?" Scattered thoughts echoing such pain are not exactly abnormal. Even the best-looking, best-hearted people can't always expect others to love them back. Why? People sometimes need to feel unloved by everyone so that they learn to love themselves.

There is nothing wrong with unrequited love. It happens all the time. I won't delude you into thinking that if he can't love you back, he is not worth it. In fact, believe that he is. He is worth it all: the headaches, the anxiety, the embarrassment. He is worth it because, like you, he needs others loving him. This sounds funny but the world is round for a reason. We are all part of a circle. If you love him and he loves someone else, just think of whom you're hurting by loving him. It's a cycle. Whose love are you not returning?

I know we can love deeply, tenderly and lastingly. I have seen such love. I learned that, aside from love and trust, a fulfilling relationship begins when two people make their time together their number one priority. If we hope to find love, we must first find time for loving. Many couples experienced a tragic moment together that taught them to value their time together. How we see our partners often depends on how we are than how they are. We are not audience but participant observers in each other's lives.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we're always learning, discovering and growing.

Lastly, this may be a cliche but there is someone who is right for you, and even if he's not, he'd still be right because loving doesn't make sense until you accept it and make it real.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Just Friends.

Maybe that's how it starts
With a hug and a little spark

Maybe that's how it happened
For you my heart softened

Maybe it doesn't mean anything
It could be just nothing

But maybe this is real
My heart, you might steal

Maybe I don't want it taken
I don't want this friendship shaken

Maybe this feeling is unjust
Even through all our trust

Maybe I'll just let you go
Let "her" take your soul

Maybe that's just fair
I'll let you have back your air.

This is a poem written about 3 years ago. This was during a time I was totally depressed about how my relationship with a guy friend turned sour. I don't really know how this is applicable to what's happening now. But I felt like posting this anyway.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Missing You.

When I think about it long and hard, I may be able to admit that I'm starting to miss you.
So maybe I should just stop thinking and do something else.
But then I remember someone saying that the saddest part of life is keeping one's self busy and pushing one's self to the limit all day -- but at the end of the day, after doing everything to forget, you end up where you are: in the very same position you're trying to escape.

I'm serious when I tell people, I've always wanted to be free. Free to go anywhere, without a care, and just have some fun. Then again, somewhere deep down, I wish to be owned. I hope to be held. I yearn to never be let go of. It is my heart's desire. And I guess it is only now that I could get the chance to let it out because I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

But I believe in waiting. As the saying goes, "The value of waiting is a value of a lifetime. If we know how to wait, life shall be easy because God knows what to give us in the right time."

Let me go back to the point of this blog. I miss you. And I'm kind of hating myself for feeling this way.
It's true, I miss you.
I miss our chance meetings, our usual conversations, our unlikely bonding moments.
I miss how you tease me, how you make me laugh, how you give me something to look forward to each day.
I miss the days that I just couldn't stop smiling, the times that I would stop what I'm doing to absorb everything.
Most of all, I miss the smile that creeps up my cheek when I get to see you.

So let me live for the moment.
I hope to see you...soon.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

October 18, 2006.

I was browsing through my old journals and I stumbled upon this particular entry I wrote three years ago. I didn't actually write it. It's part of a song, I believe, by Juan Carlos Calderon.

It just struck me, considering I wasn't in love with anyone at that time. I guess I just really like the song that time...

Como una promesa eres tu...
Como una sonrisa eres tu...
Todo mi esperanza eres tu...
Te quiero

To translate...

You are like a promise
You are like a smile
You are all my hope
I love you...

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Playing "Dr. Margie"

It's really amazing how people find it so hard to believe that I have yet to be in a relationship.

Last night, I was chatting with a couple of friends. Three, to be exact. Two guys, one girl. The funny thing was that -- they all had "problems" in their own relationships and they all came to me for advice. No, these people don't know each other. It just so happens that these three are good friends of mine who have been involved with their significant others for years.

I always wonder why they come to me for advice. When I get in a relationship and I'd have a problem, shouldn't I be the one to go to them and ask for their advice? They're the ones who have gone through it. But alas, there I was, chatting away, listening to what they have to say, and waiting for them to let me know if they needed what I wanted to say.

Surprisingly, they welcomed my advice with open arms. I quote my guy friend, "Ibang klase ka talaga, Marge! NBSB pero ang daming alam sa pag-ibig!" If he was right in front of me, I'd probably have slapped him. Haha! Kalokohan talaga! Yes, I've been single since forever. But just because I've never been in a relationship doesn't mean I don't have my shares of kilig and sawi. Hehehehe.

So yeah, I played "therapist" for a couple of hours. Or maybe because I was in such an emo mood that I've decided to let it out by playing "Dr. Margie."

Well, I gotta go for now and prepare for Mass.

Be right back.

Friday, October 02, 2009


As I sit here in front of my PC and keeping myself busy, I received a text message from a friend of mine. It goes like this:

Bakit masarap magmahal ang mga taong komedyante?
1. Hirit pa lang nila, panalo na!
2. Lagi kayong masaya kahit problemado na.
3. Hindi ka talaga tatanda kakatawa.
4. Magaling magdala ng damit kahit sablay na.
5. Kapag naging seryoso, talagang tatamaan ka!
6. Sigurado malalahian ka ng talino -- hirap mag-isip para lang magpatawa.
And lastly...
7. Kahit sinaktan mo na, feeling mo ok lang sa kanya...kaya hindi mo alam, halos mamatay na siya kung paano niya ilalabas iyak niya.

Completely disregarding the last part of that message, I have to say, I absolutely agree. It's true.

If you ask my friends, one of the things they will tell you about me is that it's not easy to make me laugh. So it's important for me to meet a guy who has that kind of sense of humor that can absolutely break me.

Have I found a guy like that? I've met two. In all my years of living, I've met only two guys who have the "ability" to crack me up with his sense of humor. Who those two guys may be, I will not say.

Nothing really much to blog about. I just felt like sharing that particular message.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Eres Mi Vida

Traté mucho de olvidarte
Me fuí para que no te viera
Pero siempre sueño contigo
Todas las noches cuando duermo

Como puedo vivir sin ti en mi lado
Cuando todo el que veo es tu
Me has enseñado a amarte mucho
Y ahora solo tu a quien adoro

Mi amor, ahora has sabido
Que puedo vivir solamente contigo
Asi es que te suplico
Que tu esperes para mi regreso

o O o

I tried so hard to forget you
I went away so I wouldn't see you
But I always dream of you
Every night in my sleep

How can I live without you by my side?
When all I see is you
You taught me to love and love you much
And now only you I adore

My love, now you know
I can live only with you
So it is that I ask of you
You wait for my return