I was cleaning up my room. Yes, it was another OC moment for me. I can't seem to stop from cleaning my space even though everything's organized. Anyway, I saw a file folder in one of my shelves marked "LETTERS." It was a compilation of letters I wrote. Addressed to no one in particular. But I think in one way or another, there was someone in particular I was thinking of. So ok, back to the story. One of the papers in the folder isn't actually a letter. It's sort of an essay. Or just random rantings on falling in love. I wrote it back in 2006. Oh it brings back memories why I wrote it. Hahaha! But I'm not going to say what happened back then.
To those who know, just keep it to yourselves, ok? Thanks!
Without further ado, I give you my latest entry.
o O o
Sometimes, in the past, late at night, when it's too quiet to pretend, I worry if I believe in anything at all, or at least, in anything beautiful. I believed in change because it is permanent. I believed in pain because it is sometimes physical. I believe in anger because it can consume you. But I was not sure I can believe in either love or trust. I could not then understand these two things most people build their dreams on.
Love fails to be unconditional by that one condition itself. It ends when we fall out of it. Then, we claim it never was love because love shouldn't die. It is forever. But when it becomes a routine, love does die. Lastly, when love turns selfish, confusing and burdensome, it isn't beautiful anymore.
As for trust, it was self-explanatory until I doubted it. When curiosity gives way to suspicion, betrayal isn't far behind. For every failed judgment, we ask ourselves: "Did I trust too little or too much?" It is difficult to shut up every question in favor of complete trust, only to realize too late something you could have known had you only asked. Where does love and trust start and end?
I have seen hundreds of people disappointed over unfulfilled relationships. I have seen passion turn into poison. I have grieved with them for the love they lost or never found. We seem to love so much, but now it's gone. We ask ourselves, "Why do I feel so lonely even if he's right beside me? Why can't our relationship be more than this?"
I think all people have, at one point in their life, experienced painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement, even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time can't be reversed.
Now, falling in love in itself is doubted by people around you. They cannot feel the warmth that consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy that grips you. They do not know that mental stress you experience trying to rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in love with a person who doesn't love you back. Oftentimes, people in love are painted as puppies following their loved ones at a distance and enjoying it. Oftentimes, people in love are misunderstood.
Who can enjoy running around with your heart on your sleeve? It's like trying to cross a tight rope and always falling into jagged cliffs because you are nervous, oh so nervous! Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It is a thousand deaths every time. It is an "unmourned" for death because no one else can understand.
Love is not sustained by hope but by wishes. There's a difference. No matter how perverse, people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly wishing that he'd give a sign to show it isn't hopeless. In desperation, unrequited lovers can even imagine signs if only to remain sane.
How can you love a brick wall? A dead end? A slavery without any sign of salvation? How foolish! How unreasonable! Unfortunately, how human, too!
"Why won't he love me? What is wrong with me?" Scattered thoughts echoing such pain are not exactly abnormal. Even the best-looking, best-hearted people can't always expect others to love them back. Why? People sometimes need to feel unloved by everyone so that they learn to love themselves.
There is nothing wrong with unrequited love. It happens all the time. I won't delude you into thinking that if he can't love you back, he is not worth it. In fact, believe that he is. He is worth it all: the headaches, the anxiety, the embarrassment. He is worth it because, like you, he needs others loving him. This sounds funny but the world is round for a reason. We are all part of a circle. If you love him and he loves someone else, just think of whom you're hurting by loving him. It's a cycle. Whose love are you not returning?
I know we can love deeply, tenderly and lastingly. I have seen such love. I learned that, aside from love and trust, a fulfilling relationship begins when two people make their time together their number one priority. If we hope to find love, we must first find time for loving. Many couples experienced a tragic moment together that taught them to value their time together. How we see our partners often depends on how we are than how they are. We are not audience but participant observers in each other's lives.
Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we're always learning, discovering and growing.
Lastly, this may be a cliche but there is someone who is right for you, and even if he's not, he'd still be right because loving doesn't make sense until you accept it and make it real.