From Sulking to Smiling -- to Sulking Again.

I was down.
And then I was happy.
And then I was down again.

I'm sorry -- I just can't seem to keep smiling the whole day through. If anything, I can only smile for a few hours. And I'm sorry if I could only put on a fake smile.

It's just not the same anymore. I've lost the will to smile. I don't exactly know how it happened -- I just did. I have succeeded in putting on the mask to hide from everyone how I really feel. But it's starting to hurt me inside. It's starting to make me want to break down and cry it all out.

For the past week, I have been feeling depressed. I have shared with you the reason why. So when my officemates from LEP said that there's a Halloween costume party scheduled on Friday, I decided to go. I wasn't really planning to, but what the heck, right? Let's face it, I needed to have fun, and spending time with my officemates is a sure way to make me laugh.

So I went. I dressed up as a little pink fairy -- complete with fairy wings and fairy tiara. I called myself "Pink Tinkerbell." It worked. I was partying with my officemates, eating food with them, taking pictures with them -- I was having fun.

And then I had to go home. As soon as I changed back to my regular clothes, I suddenly lost the smile.

Let me just end this post with one thought. Because right now, I just want to lie in my bed and stare into nothingness. If lucky, I may even cry.

It's weird...
when you go from being strangers to being friends.
Then suddenly...
back to being practically strangers again.

It's clear to me now why I'm feeling this way.
I just hope -- I can get back up soon.

This Month of May...

I wish this would be a happy blog entry. But unfortunately, it's really not. The fact of the matter is...this month of May is my worst month by far this year. Yes, I hate to say it -- but it's really the most depressing month I've been through. How so? Let me count the ways...

May 5-7
These three days were the most excruciating days! It was my first time to be confined in the hospital. I had vertigo, or to put it in medical terms, vestibular neuritis. It was absolutely horrific! To stay in the hospital and be so sick, it was unbearable.

May 20
It was the day my Sony Ericsson C905 got stolen as I was riding home on a bus from Makati to Pasay.

May 21
I couldn't work at all. I was still "grieving" over the loss of my SE C905. What's worse is that I got to talk to the thief who took my phone. I was practically begging for him to meet with me and give me my phone back. And he said, "Tumawag ka ulit mamaya. Pag-iisipan ko." And I did. But he never answered my calls again.

Three reasons why I really hate this month. Just three. But those were days I really broke down. *Sigh* Good thing there are things to look forward to June, such as...

• Mama and Papa's 33rd wedding anniversary
• Cousin Paolo's 24th birthday
• Alla's 23rd birthday
• Kuya Miguel's 28th birthday
• My first year anniversary at work

From the Hospital and Back.

For those of you who were wondering why I haven't been online for the past couple of days, well, here I am to tell you what's happened.

Last Monday, I was about to go and meet my friend Nyx at Teriyaki Boy. But as soon as I started walking out of the office, I started to feel very dizzy. Everything around me started to spin. I had to stop and hold on to whatever it is I can get a hold of. I practically wobbled all the way back to my desk just so I can sit down and relax. I tried to open my eyes but I simply cannot focus on anything. So I called home and asked my brother to come and get me at work.

I started to vomit. Everything I ate, I threw up. Disgusting, I know but I couldn't stop. My boss saw me with my face all pale. She called Sir Art to help me get up and lie down on the sofa in the other office. My brother arrived and picked me up. I couldn't even walk. My officemates had to support my every step.

As soon as my brother and I got home, he helped me up to my parents' bedroom and let me sleep. I hoped that with just sleeping, the dizziness and the vomitting would finally stop the next day. I kept thinking about my pending work and what I'm going to do to get it done.

I woke up at 3:00 in the morning, still feeling dizzy, nauseous. I still couldn't see straight. My mom was sleeping beside me and I told her that I still feel sick. That's when they decided to take me to the Emergency Room at Manila Sanitarium Hospital. I wasn't aware of what was going on the whole time but I wasn't stupid either. After a check up on my blood pressure and temperature, I talked to a doctor who asked me about how I was feeling. After telling her what happened to me, she told the nurse to give me a medicine for my dizziness. Just that.

They let me stay for a couple more hours. The vomiting didn't stop either. Nurses and doctors saw me throwing up and nothing. They released me after my mom paid the bill. The doctor advised my parents that I should see an eye doctor and that was it. I was free to go. But as soon as we got in the taxi, I started to vomit again.

When we got home, I went back to my parents' bedroom and went back to rest. After lunch, my parents convinced me to go to Manila Doctors Hospital to get a check up with ENT. The drive from our place to the hospital was simply unbearable. I felt like I was going to vomit anytime.

When I got to the clinic, the doctor, Dr. Elmer dela Cruz said that I had vestibular neuritis. It was an inflammation of eye nerves. Right there, he advised me to be admitted to the hospital so he could observe my conditions. We agreed.

So there I was. For the very first time. In the hospital, confined. And I was there until yesterday.

Today, I'm feeling better than the previous days. Still advised to stay at home to rest until the rest of the week. My gosh! I can't wait to go back to work.

To those who texted me and called me up, thank you so much for the concern.