When...?

As you may have noticed, I'm back to my old blogging habit. It's not as if I wanted to. Most of the time, I find it hard to blog about things. But this is the only thing I could do to let my feelings out, other than talking to the poeple I know.

Until this very day, I'm staying away from them. Until this very day, I don't have the courage to face them, let alone, talk to them. I'm even scared to log in my Yahoo! Messenger. But I'm adjusting to it. This "alone time" that I'm having. This, I believe, is something that I really need. Everything is not yet in place for me...and I still need some time to figure things out on what I'm going to do.

I know one thing is for sure. All I really want to do now is to cry. So I could let everything out. It helps to cry about it. Since I cannot put into words the hurt I have caused myself, I just want to let all these pains out by crying about it. But, of course, I can't cry. Not when my parents are here. Not when my brothers are at the corner of my eye. I still have to keep it all in.

How I wish I could be in that place in my life where I don't have to hide. I wish I could be in that place where I can go out to face everyone and honestly say, "I'm happy."

When will I get there?

TLC - Dear Lie.

Dear lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead I'm fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had balls I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm not smart
I let you unnerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more

[Chorus:]
Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me (out of me)
Out of me
Out of me lie
Lie lie lie lie

Dear lie
You're dumb
You think you've got the best of me
You think you won
Misread my vulnerability
I've got your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I've learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Won't let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

[Chorus]

Lie lie
I've got
Your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Wont' let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

[Chorus]

Lie lie
Dear lie
Lie Lie Lie Lie
Lie Lie
Dear lie

New LSS.

It was 3:00 in the afternoon.

I was alone at home, feeling sleepy. Siesta time. So immediately, I went to my parents' bedroom, lie down, and closed my eyes, thinking that in a matter of seconds, I'll be dreaming of something or maybe even someone. Next thing I knew, I am lying still on the bed, just looking at the ceiling, hearing nothing but the sound of the fan blowing the cool air to my direction. Two hours later, I am still awake.

So instead, I turned my laptop on and downloaded some songs. Now, I'm having a brand new LSS. I have been listening to American Idol's Ramiele Malubay and her version of "Alone." The studio recording is absolutely great. It was just plain great!

Going...going...gone.

Before I Go to Sleep.

Here I go again, blogging before I go to sleep. That seems to be the trend for me nowadays. Blog first, sleep later. So what do I blog about tonight?

You'd think I would immediately know what I would blog about the moment I open my blog. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every time, my mind is completely blank on what I would post. And every time, I am amazed that I get to post something I never thought I would. William Forrester has taught me well, I have to say.

For those of you who don't know yet, I am an aspiring writer. Yes, until now, I am an aspiring writer. I still cannot say that I've accomplished anything since the only people who have read the things that I've written are my family and friends. Some articles are well-received while some have been criticized, mostly by my Dad. Nonetheless, what they say is not really a hurdle for me to make me stop from writing.

I remember the movie, "Finding Forrester" starring Sean Connery as the reclusive writer, William Forrester. When writing, Forrester said to Jamal Wallace (played by Rob Brown), "No thinking -- that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is...to write, not to think!"

How true.

I believe that, too. Writing comes from the heart. Maybe that's why I am able to produce these entries for my blog. When I think about what I'm supposed to write or what I want to write about, I usually come up with nothing. But then I would stop thinking...and I would end up with something that I really wanted to write about in the first place. Forrester said it all, "Writers write things to give readers something to read."

Hmm...I guess it's time to sleep.

Good night.

Stuck.

Here I am, typing yet again as I lie on my bed, listening to the voice of Ryan Seacrest as Star World airs American Idol (Jason Castro was the third person to be put in the Bottom Three, along with Chikizie and Syesha).

Every day that I wake up, a part of me wants to go out there and face the reality. A part of me would like to live a "normal" life once again -- talking to my friends, smiling and laughing with them as we tell each other stories of our lives. But that can't happen. Not yet, at least. I still find myself not ready to be that person again. That person who can wake up, genuinely happy and looking forward to the day ahead of her.

I try. God knows how hard I try to put the past behind me and move on with my life. But it's hard. It's too hard for me to go to that direction where I can face myself and say, "I'm happy." I know I said that I am beginning to go there. Yes, I am...but the truth is, I find myself stuck at the beginning. Every step I take is one that takes a lot out of me.

Every minute that goes by, I think about the people I care about so deeply. I am lucky enough that I am able to talk to my parents, I get to see my relatives. They're the only people keeping me sane at the moment. If I didn't have them, who knows what could happen to me. But I know deep in my heart that they are not enough. A part of my life is still missing. That part belongs to my friends. The friends I have been hiding from since that "fateful day."

I am beginning to think that the month will end with me not talking to any of my friends. Maybe it's all for the best. Let this month pass by with me not talking to anyone but my family. It's not that I want to stay away from my friends. It's just that I feel that it's better for everybody, including myself, to let things be for a while. Sooner or later, I know I'm going to have to talk to them. I'm just not ready to do that yet. I just don't know when "sooner or later" is going to be.

I imagine it's going to be a gloomy birthday. In less than three weeks, I am going to be another year older. 22, to be exact. I imagine a not-so-fun day for me.

We'll see what the future holds...

Working Part-Time Helps But...

For the past two days, I have been helping out my parents finish the Financial Reports of their clients for the filing of the Income Tax Return. Oh yes, it is audit season once again and it's back to working part-time for them.

Good news: I get paid for the work I do. I didn't ask for it, but my parents make it a point that I get paid for it. Another good thing about this is that I get to keep my mind off certain things. Since I'm too busy with the work, I am focused on doing what needs to be done.

Bad news: At the end of the day, when the work load is done, I go back to feeling how I really feel.

Once again, I miss everything I used to do. I miss everyone I used to hang out with. It's a hard thing to do. Diverting your attention to something else when all you can really think about is that one thing.

I lock myself in this place I call home and make myself feel like I am a prisoner sentenced for life. I allow myself to be dragged to the ground as if I am the most horrible person alive. Then again, I do think I am the most horrible person in this world.

How I wish I could go out without thinking about the bad things that happened before. As much as I would not want to think about it, unfortunately for me, I cannot go past that crucial moment I stepped out of the door of our house.

It's really going to take some time before I can really be happy.

Wish me luck, my dear readers. Hopefully, sooner (rather than later), I'll be able to move on.

Coming Home.

Guess who's coming back from Los Angeles, California?

No one else but my big brother, Kuya Rom!

It's so great to see my brother again. After six months of satisfying myself with chats, video conferences and emails, my brother comes home. Unfortunately, it's not for good. He's only back for two weeks (a month, at most) because he needs to exit the United States before he can go back to work at PNB Remittance Center. Damn it! Oh well, it's better than not having him at all.

Despite the limited time, I'm glad that he will be able to spend his birthday with the family. Hopefully, he's still here on my birthday and Mama's birthday.

I have to say...my brother lost weight. It's so obvious. Unlike before, his belly is not that evident anymore. His pants are so loose, he looks like he's trying to dress up like a rapper.

It's a nice feeling to blog about something nice, about something happy.

Have to go. Till then.

Happy Easter, Everyone!

I just wanted to stop by and greet everyone...

Lonely.

Right about now, I'm trying to live my life as quietly as possible. I'm trying to stay away from everything...from everyone, for that matter. All I want to do now is leave my past behind. I'm beginning to go to that place where I can live with myself.

As pessimistic as I am now, I still do believe that there are people out there who care about me. But I have to admit that I don't really want to see them yet. I can't face them yet. It's really hard to go through each day, not talking to anyone, not chatting with anyone, not sending emails to anyone. It's not as if I'm complaining.

It gets lonely. Really lonely.

But somehow, I'm getting the feeling...it's something I have to get used to. Not the state of being lonely. I meant not talking or seeing the people I want to see. If I want to have a clean slate, I have to do it myself. I have to do it with myself, first and foremost. If starting anew means leaving everyone behind for a while, then that's something I have to get by.

I have a feeling it's going to take months. And that's all right. My life is going to change, hopefully for the better.

My friends...well, I have a hunch that it's better for them not see me for the time being.

Last Song Syndrome # 2: "Here, There and Everywhere"

I was never really a big fan of The Beatles. I mean, sure, I like listening to their songs. It's just that I never took time out to listen to their songs in particular. But then, American Idol had The Beatles theme for the past two weeks. It was inevitable. Now, I'm singing their songs to myself. And one song that really stuck to me was "Here, There and Everywhere." It wasn't really sung by one finalist, but when I heard that song during their group performance, I just fell in love with the it. The lyrics spoke to me.

I chose Sissel's rendition of the song. Having a woman sing that song just melts my heart.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm a fan of Paul McCartney's compositions.

Last Song Syndrome # 1: "The Long and Winding Road"

Paul McCartney said, "It's rather a sad song. I like writing sad songs, it's a good bag to get into because you can actually acknowledge some deeper feelings of your own and put them in it. It's a good vehicle, it saves having to go to a psychiatrist ... It's a sad song because it's all about the unattainable; the door you never quite reach. This is the road that you never get to the end of."

I just had to pick David Archuleta's version of the song. I don't know. There's something about his rendition that captures me.

Mustering the Courage.

They say that it is easier to talk to a stranger about your problems than to someone you're really close to. Probably it's because the stranger won't have much to say to say to you after you tell him about your problem. You would rather hear an opinion of someone you don't know than of someone who knows you very well because you are too scared of the possibility that the opinion of the latter would hurt you so much, you cannot bear the pain of hearing it.

...Which is why I chose to write about my innermost feelings instead.

I was never a good speaker. I don't really know how to express myself verbally. I would rather write everything down than to say them to anyone at all. What's more is that I am always afraid of what the other person might say about me. So intead of making a fool of myself in front of someone else, I find the unusual comfort of writing down everything without any concern of what might be said about me.

But I would be lying if I said I don't miss talking to someone. I miss them. The people I used to talk to. I miss them so much, it hurts to the very core of my being. I wish there is a way I can gather enough courage to talk to them, or at least, to one of them. Unfortunately, I am still too weak, too afraid even, to say a word. I am afraid that if I say something, I would say a lie. Something that I am trying so hard to prevent from happening ever again.

Looking back, I try to figure out how I could deceive the people so close to me. I kept asking myself, "how could I lie about something like this?" It's unfair, I know. It's just so unfair for them. After what I did, do I expect these people to be my friends still? I'm quite positive...that I'll probably lose a bunch of them. I mean, who would want to be friends with someone like me? Lie after lie after lie...why make an effort to patch things up?

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe I'm being paranoid. Then again, maybe I'm right about the whole thing. I'm too much of a coward to talk to anyone. I still can't find that peace of mind that I long for. I need to do myself a favor and try to normalize my life before I can go and talk to others. Especially to the people I care about.

Nowadays, the only people I am talking to are my parents. My mom, most of the time. Maybe by talking to my mom and my dad about everything, I can get that peace I am looking for. They are the two people I am getting the courage from so I can go back to where I am supposed to be. After all, they are my parents. Who can help me more than them, right?

I know there are still people out there who are willing to work things out with me. I can only think of a handful. But at least, I'm trying to be optimistic, in a way.

Everything will fall into place. I do believe in that. Things will be as God intended them to be. I am sure of that.

All of a sudden I remember a song that David Archuleta of American Idol 7 sang two nights ago. "The Long and Winding Road" by the Beatles is the song I can relate to. That is how I see my life at this moment. The lyrics are just so powerful, so mesmerizing...the song just speaks to me, as if it was meant for me to hear.

Many times I've been alone
Many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know
The many times I've tried
But still they lead me back
To the long and winding road

Hmm...somehow, it's starting to make sense again. My life, that is.

Crying.

It's not easy. Waking up each day, remembering things you don't want to remember. Waking up before everybody else, just so you can cry whatever heavy feeling you are keeping inside, thinking that it's all over for you. Waking up every single day, not being able to smile, even if it's just a fake one.

I still wish things would have gone differently. I keep hoping that it turned out the way I really wanted to. I think about what happened before, hoping everything that happened was only a bad dream. But it seems that no matter what I do, no matter how I try, I have to accept the fact that it's all real.

Problem is...I can't.

Yes, I do acknowledge the things that have happened. Why wouldn't I? Everything that happened and all these things happening now are my doing. However, despite these things, it is still very hard for me to go forward...to move on with my life and be in that place where I can really be happy once again. Then again, how could I really go on living a happy life?

I still could not stop the tears from falling. Though I try so hard to not cry at all, this heavy feeling is just so overwhelming.

*Sigh*

Trying to Smile.

It seems that every day that passes by, I find it harder and harder for me to smile. I can't exactly say why. But it's been a rather difficult couple of weeks for me. I wish there was some way that I can talk to someone outside my family, but there's really none. Honestly speaking, I am still not ready to talk to anyone else.

Not going out of the house, let alone, the room.
Not answering the telephone.
Not logging in my Yahoo and MSN messengers.
Not sending any emails.

It's hard, yes, but I made it a point to dodge bullets, at least for now. I know that there are people out there who want to talk to me. How I wish I can do that. The thing is, I'm just not yet ready to speak with any of them.

Every morning, when I wake up, I couldn't help but feel bad. I couldn't stop myself from feeling so down. At night when I lie on my bed, I cry myself to sleep. I have dreams of what happened before. It's almost becoming a routine for me. I guess I have to go through this phase. Sometimes, I'm still in denial that what happened really happened. At times, I think that everything was just a bad dream, and so I kept wishing that I would wake up and realize that I am in a happy place.

Everyday, I prayed to God that I could go back in time so I could right the wrong things I did. I wanted so much to return to that time so I can avoid making the same mistakes I did. If only I had that power, then maybe I wouldn't be in this kind of situation. In the end, I still believe that there's a reason why everything happened. Though I still don't understand why, at this point, I truly believe that God intended for my life to go to this direction. When that happened, I blamed no one else but myself. And every time I prayed to God, I kept telling Him that I don't want to live like this anymore and that I'd rather forget everything about my life than go on living remembering every little detail. Truth be told, I still do wish that at times.

Right now, the only haven I can go to is here -- my blog. Because here, I can still babble all I want. Though the readers may not be aware of what the hell I am talking about, still, I am able to let out all feelings I keep bottled up inside. I guess I have to end it here now. Hopefully, in a day or two, I can blog on a happier note.

Happy Birthday, Nyx!

It's the birthday of one of my dearest friends, Nyx!

To my Kurimunks, I wish you all the best on this very special day! Go out and celebrate! You deserve all the happiness in the world!

See you when I see you!

Love you lots,

It's Back to the Blogging Biz!

To my dear blog readers,

Hello!

It's been months since I last logged in Blogger and attempted to publish an entry. But now, there's a good reason why I'm back in the blogging biz. For the past couple of months, I have been living a life I wish I could erase from my memory.

I have gone through a certain journey where I can no longer do anything to change it. The only thing left for me to do is make the most out of it. I dare not speak of this journey...not yet, anyway. Who knows, right? Maybe I will reveal this secret I have. But we'll see.

Too much has occured since the last time I posted in a blog. Notice I have begun publishing a brand new blog site! My previous one is very overrated. I wanted to start anew. So here is to a fresh start. May this blog be filled with my life's sunshines and storms.

Go ahead, readers. Comment, if you feel the need to. I welcome them with open arms. So to my family, friends, classmates, and even professors...feel free to read my blog. After all, what's the use of publishing a blog online if I don't want anyone to read it, right?

Till my next entry.

Ciao!