Looking at the time, I realized I should be sleeping right now. Unfortunately, I'm not even close to falling asleep. Somehow, a thought has stuck in my head and I guess it's not going to move out until I blog about it. Although, truth be told, I don't know if I should. Who knows? That person may be reading this blog and I don't know how to react. Then again, who cares, right? This is my blog and I sure can write about anything I want.
As always the thought is caused by the constant watching of romantic movies and reading of timeless tales of love. And every time I finish doing so, I end up asking myself -- was I really ever at that point when I absolutely fell in love? Or was it really just me loving someone?
As you and I both know...there's a fine line between loving and being in love. A fine line that separates what seems to be so similar but in reality, it's absolutely different. Me? I admit. I have fallen in love. Once. Just once. And instead of the way I had hoped it to be -- happy and memorable -- everything turned upside down. The heartbreak. The trauma. The devastation.
Once upon a time, there was a guy who broke my heart. A guy who didn't feel what I felt was there.
Once upon a time, there was a guy.
Fortunately, after that period of heartbreak, I was able to accept the fact that life goes on and so must I. I was able to face those feelings of rejection and anger by being honest to myself, by accepting the reality, most importantly, by achieving closure. I was back.
So to him who caused me this unbelievable pain called heartache, I thank you. Because of you, I've learned to think of myself. To love myself more. I never told you this, but I thank the Lord for allowing me to be hurt by you because it was then that I realized that despite everything, love is worth waiting for.
Time came when someone else came into my life. A friend. A good friend. Not a day goes by that we don't get to talk to one another. We always find time for each other. No matter how early or how late it may be. You know what's great about what we have? It's platonic. Yes. Purely platonic. I realize that the longer we have been friends, the more people around me think that we're meant for each other. That's what they see from their point of view. And I respect that.
To me, I feel like it's just not going to happen. I don't know. I don't want to close the door to the possibility of falling in love again. But to fall in love with you is simple inconceivable. How I wish it can be that easy. I remember people saying, sometimes, love is right in front of you...you just don't realize it. Truth be told, I wish that was true. If only you can simply be the one I'm looking for...then maybe this wouldn't be necessary.
So to him who has been my friend, I don't want to put an end to what I am going to say but I feel that if I was given a chance to choose someone to spend the rest of my life with...I choose you. Yes, I am aware that someone else has claimed your heart. Still, you could be my perfect match. Regardless of the little things we don't agree on, we don't care. We just focus on what's great about each other. Every day is like a day I get to learn something from you. The Lord knows how grateful I am that He has sent me one of the best angels on earth.
There is also that certain someone. Another good friend of mine. Now him...Him, I can say -- he was able to rid me all the pain in the most surprising way. Though I am not yet at that point where I can definitely declare, "I'm in love!" I can say for certain that he holds a special place in my heart...and that may be until forever. Everyone noticed. Ever since he came into my life, I was happier, more stable...different in every good way. Imagine...just by being there, he managed to change me in a way I never thought I could be.
Unlike myself who has yet to find love, he has been in a roller coaster ride of love. Finding it, losing it, finding it again...losing it again. When asked about him, I merely say that we're friends. Though they feel there's something else. How can I convince them that I can only think of him as a friend because of reasons too obvious to mention? It's difficult to convince people how much I care about this certain person without being in love. But I stand firm on it. Even if people say love is staring me right in the eye once again and I have not clinched. Although sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder...is it possible that he would find love in me?
To him who has my friendship, I ask you. Is it possible for me to be better than her? Should there even be a need for me to compare myself with her? If you are the one that God has sent for me, will I ever be able to have what you have given her? Am I really worthy of that love from you? Maybe I'm taking this too personally. Maybe I am being too sensitive. Whether this is me being selfish or not, I believe I deserve love. I cannot help but compare myself to her. If I am meant to be with you as you are to be with me, I pray this. Maybe I am asking too much but I pray to God that though I may not be your first, I will be your last.