Saturday, November 15, 2008

It Ended Before It Even Began.

This is a highly unlikely situation. In this blog entry, I have no patience to think twice of what I will write. So be warned. From time to time, you will be reading Tagalog words, phrases, and even sentences. Maybe I'll end up using Tagalog in the whole paragraph. Note that this is not a rant or a complain or anything negative. This is meant to be my expression of a realization I had since last night. Some of you will get it, some will think twice...probably most of you will be lost. One thing's for sure... this is probably the most candid entry you have ever read from me.

Ready? Here goes.

At 22, people have thought that I would be in a relationship. A relationship with someone who I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. Yes, believe it or not, people have the tendency to think ahead for you. Halos lahat ng bagay, pangungunahan ka ng mga tao. Let's face it, this happens to everyone in every part of our lives. Whether it involves your education, your career, your relationship with your family -- everything! But the most talked about, and sometimes most presumptuous, is about your love life. H'wag nang pasikot-sikot pa! Alam naman natin na kahit ayaw mo, napag-uusapan lagi. After all, we can't do anything about it. Man's nature.

I don't know if you know but I've always wanted to live my life in low key. But that never happened. Truth of the matter is that ever since college, I never got to have a low profile life. It's always me on the spotlight. Though some would have loved to have all that attention, I, on the other hand, would have wished that I was invisible. I didn't mind being known to fellow students as the one who wrote the article on this or that. What I didn't appreciate was how people get involved in my personal life. In my relationship with the opposite sex. No, I don't have a boyfriend...haven't had one for years! And yet, people assume I have one because I spend some time with a guy. It's unsettling!

I wish there was a way to satisfy everyone. Alam kong halos lahat ng nakakakilala sa akin, may hinihinala tungkol sa akin at sa isa kong kaibigan. So let me clear this up before this gets blown out of proportion.

There comes a point in your life where you realize that what you thought was in front of you was actually something else. In my case, something I thought was a possibility in the foreseeable future was in truth a highly unlikely situation. Spare me. Hindi ko kailangan ng mga akala.

To those of you who know me,

I know who I am and I know how I feel. And it's disappointing to see that you think I don't know how I feel. I am not in denial. I know that at this point, I am not in love.

I get to spend time with a guy I am comfortable with. Almost every week in fact. But throughout our friendship, the realization of what we have now and in the future is clear. We're never going to be more than friends. He and I can only be what we are now. He is my friend as I am his. We will always have that hanging above our heads.

Honestly, ok. So if I had to choose someone I can fall in love with, I guess he would be the easiest choice. Maybe the most obvious, to other people. So you want to know why I can't and maybe won't fall for him? I will never get past that one little fact.

I remember writing a prayer to God. It was a list of what I'm looking for in "the guy." Up until this very day, that list is right inside the Bible I keep. Not a lot of people know this but one trait I can say that is included is "a guy who can love me for me." No labels, no titles, just me. Not a sibling's friend, or a friend's classmate or a cousin's acquaintance. Me. And that's not what I saw in him.

So you see. It's not going to happen. And I've accepted that.

This "supposed future" has ended before it has begun.

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