From Sulking to Smiling -- to Sulking Again.

I was down.
And then I was happy.
And then I was down again.

I'm sorry -- I just can't seem to keep smiling the whole day through. If anything, I can only smile for a few hours. And I'm sorry if I could only put on a fake smile.

It's just not the same anymore. I've lost the will to smile. I don't exactly know how it happened -- I just did. I have succeeded in putting on the mask to hide from everyone how I really feel. But it's starting to hurt me inside. It's starting to make me want to break down and cry it all out.

For the past week, I have been feeling depressed. I have shared with you the reason why. So when my officemates from LEP said that there's a Halloween costume party scheduled on Friday, I decided to go. I wasn't really planning to, but what the heck, right? Let's face it, I needed to have fun, and spending time with my officemates is a sure way to make me laugh.

So I went. I dressed up as a little pink fairy -- complete with fairy wings and fairy tiara. I called myself "Pink Tinkerbell." It worked. I was partying with my officemates, eating food with them, taking pictures with them -- I was having fun.

And then I had to go home. As soon as I changed back to my regular clothes, I suddenly lost the smile.

Let me just end this post with one thought. Because right now, I just want to lie in my bed and stare into nothingness. If lucky, I may even cry.

It's weird...
when you go from being strangers to being friends.
Then suddenly...
back to being practically strangers again.

It's clear to me now why I'm feeling this way.
I just hope -- I can get back up soon.

Thoughts.

Ever lie on your bed with the next hundred things you have to do to run through your head?
Ever lost touch and let a good friendship fade because you never had time to call and say hi?
When you run too fast to get somewhere, you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day, it's like an unopened gift thrown away.

This is basically what's been happening to me.
I have wallowed in my job that I am suddenly out of touch with the other things around me.
I hate to say it, but I was living the life my mom feared I'd have if I was so career-oriented.
But I was sad and work is the only solution I could think of to not think about my grief.

What I thought to be a "good alternative" turned out to be an issue waiting to happen.
Everyone at work was noticing my apparent despondency.
So everyone has asked me what's really the matter with me.
Thank you for the concern -- but it's hard to talk about something like this.

It seemed I was inconsolable...and I guess, I'm pretty much that.
Nothing that people are telling me is sinking into my head.
No matter how much they try to cheer me up, I just feel down.
Can't I just cry it all out without feeling stupid?

But I'd like to thank one person -- who surely tried his best to make me feel better.
The person who told me that there's so much around to divert my sadness to...
So all I had to do was listen to the music.
To him, I say thank you for trying.

Maybe this time, I'll stop to listen to the rain pouring on the ground or gaze at the sun in the fading sky.
After all, life's not a race.
I should take it slower.
Really listen to the song before it's over.

Momentary Sadness.

Ok. I admit it. I'm sad. I'm down. Lately, I've been feeling rather gloomy. And I guess it's just now that things are really showing why. Or in my case, it's just now that I've acknowledged that I am, in fact, depressed.

I was hanging out in Greenbelt after work. To get some peace of mind. Working from 9AM to 5PM without actually eating lunch, I have decided to give myself a break and eat something. So I hung out in Starbucks (wherelse would I be, right?), ordered a chicken club asparagus sandwich and brewed coffee, and sat on one corner of the coffee shop as I read some blog entries of random people.

Two particular blogs made a huge impact today. One from Lea Salonga, the other from Bo Sanchez. In Lea's blog, she says:

"Isn't it weird that there are people who are such a huge part of your life one minute, and then absolutely nothing the next?"

It was exactly what I have been wondering all along. I started to question what really happened. I wanted to know what went on. As if on cue, I read Bo's latest blog, which could possibly be the answer to the question that Lea has asked. He says:

"Warning: There’s a cruel epidemic afflicting our families, our marriages, and our friendships. It’s called the Relationship Drift.
It’s a very devious disease. It’s like some cancers. You really don’t know you have it until it’s fatal. And then it’s too late.
And then Relationship Drift becomes Relationship Dead."

As if by God-sent, this is exactly what I needed to know. The truth of the matter is this: there are people in my life who I haven't spoken to or haven't seen for quite some time now and it's making me sad to see that we can't even make time to just talk.

So here's my way of reaching out to those people:

To my kuya
Kuya, I feel that there's something you want to tell me but given our busy schedules and time difference, we don't have much time to just talk. I wish you were here again. I wish we could do what we've done before -- where we go out, hang around, and talk about what's happening in our lives. I miss you so much that it's making me so sad, I wish you hadn't gone to the US.

To my bez
Bez, it's always different when you and I share what we need to share. Two years have passed us by and still, I can't get over the fact that you're back home in the States and I'm right here. I miss the times when you and I could meet up at the coffee shop and let our feelings out. There's so much I want to tell you and even though I can always email you, I just keep wishing you could be here because I need a shoulder to cry on.

To my anak and my bru
The three of us are here and yet we can't even make time to see each other. It's been months now and I hate the fact that we have yet to see each other. Are we really so busy with our work that we can't make time for us to catch up on things? We can't even be online at the same time. What has happened to us? I need you guys. I need your comfort.

To my friend
It's really a wonder how at one point we talk for almost the whole day and all of a sudden, we don't even acknowledge each other when we see one another. What's happened? What's wrong? Why is it that out of the blue, there is an inexplicable silence that distance us from one another? I'd like to think that both of us are just too busy -- but at the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if we are really that occupied with work that we've decided to just not talk to each other. I hate to say it but I'm starting to miss back then when we bug each other -- even during work.

It pains me. It really does. My life has suddenly become too quiet for my own liking.

Let me feel your presence again. Let me know you're there. Let me be happy once again.

Please.

Just Friends.

Maybe that's how it starts
With a hug and a little spark

Maybe that's how it happened
For you my heart softened

Maybe it doesn't mean anything
It could be just nothing

But maybe this is real
My heart, you might steal

Maybe I don't want it taken
I don't want this friendship shaken

Maybe this feeling is unjust
Even through all our trust

Maybe I'll just let you go
Let "her" take your soul

Maybe that's just fair
I'll let you have back your air.

This is a poem written about 3 years ago. This was during a time I was totally depressed about how my relationship with a guy friend turned sour. I don't really know how this is applicable to what's happening now. But I felt like posting this anyway.

Four Years.

It's past 12 o'clock and I'm still wide awake. I should be sleeping right now since I've tons to do but here I am. Eyes wide open, so many things running through my head.

August 10th.

There's something significant about this date. Four years ago today, my grandfather passed away. And even after four years, I still miss him. A lot. He was 90 when he went.

If you've read about the history of Parañaque, you'll find out that my lolo, Lucio Castillo Francisco, is the first post-war mayor appointed by the Americans. Yes, he was indeed a significant part in the history of the city.

I remember how my relatives from abroad came back to the Philippines so that they could be there beside Lolo Bait until his last breath.

I remember how my Papa told us how he went -- he looked at my lola, smiled and told her, "Choleng, aalis na ako."

I remember how everyone told so many stories of my lolo's heroism during the three-day wake we had for him.

I remember the very first time I saw my Papa holding back the tears when he spoke in front of the people before we buried Lolo Bait.

I remember one person telling us during his burial, "You should be proud of your lolo. He was a true hero."

I am proud.

I am proud to have him as my Lolo Bait.

I am proud to be his granddaughter.

I am proud to have known a great man.

Four years.

Sometimes, it seems like only yesterday when I found out that Lolo Bait passed away.

I miss you, Lolo...