In Dreams, I Love. In Reality, I Wait.

For the past few days, you have been visiting me in my dreams. And it's not that I wish you'd stop. I hope you wouldn't because I always seem to be very happy when I'm with you in my sleep.

I feel like I've known you for a while. Because by the way we act around each other in my dreams, I could only summize that we have been friends for the longest time. I wouldn't be comfortable with you holding my hand if we haven't been close friends.

A simple smile from you can make me blush. Your infectious smile gives me the comfort of knowing how much I mean to you. As if that smile was just for me. When you hold my hand, you make me feel like you will never let me go in your life. How is it possible that you can make me float on air by a smile and a touch?

Whenever I need a hug, you would give me the most comforting hug I could ask for. And I love hugging you. I wrap my arms around you and call you my teddy bear. How I love calling you my teddy bear. When no one's looking you'd bury your face in my hair and you'd whisper sweet nothings to my ear. Do you know that you can make my heart skip a beat every time you do that?

You have this balance of confidence and humility that people admire. How could anyone possibly miss it? The ladies can't get enough of you and the guys wish they'd be like you. Yes, you're that kind of guy. But how humble you are... That's what makes me love you even more.

You're both serious and funny. You crack me up with your sense of humor. No matter how corny your jokes could be, you still make me laugh. But when the need arises, you're serious and you focus on things that matter, on things that need to be done.

You're such a handsome guy, you know that? Your vanity is amusing. You're the type of guy who looks good in everything he wears. As if you've put a lot of effort into thinking what you'd wear the night before. One of your traits that I find very much endearing.

You look after your health. Being healthy is important to you because you want to be that somebody who your kids can enjoy spending time with until you grow old.

Do you know what's even more amusing? It's that... We can talk about anything and everything without holding back. Whatever we'd feel, we say it. Your honesty is admirable. We can talk for hours non-stop and still, we'd never get tired of listening to the other speak.

But you are definitely more than all those things I've mentioned. You are a God-fearing man, you're selfless, and you are loving. Your faith in God is inspiring, encouraging. You treat people with respect, no pretensions. Most of all, you love... Unconditionally.

It seems like in my dreams, I'm different. A good kind of different. Because with you, I could sing like I've never sung before, I have the courage to face the fears I couldn't face, I think of my future with you. In my dreams, you and I share the same passion in life. We help each other out, both of us striving more so we could have the future we've always wanted. You and I love each other. Not for any other reason... We love each other just because we do.

God is in the center of our lives.

Our families are the most important people in our lives.

Finding ourselves in each other is a gift from above.

I may not know who you are. Not yet, anyway. But rest assured, you'll find me and I'll realize you're the one. Because God meant it to be that way.

For now, let me love you in my dreams. And I will wait for you until the day we finally meet in reality.

Falling In Love: Is It Worth It?

Disclaimer:

I was cleaning up my room. Yes, it was another OC moment for me. I can't seem to stop from cleaning my space even though everything's organized. Anyway, I saw a file folder in one of my shelves marked "LETTERS." It was a compilation of letters I wrote. Addressed to no one in particular. But I think in one way or another, there was someone in particular I was thinking of. So ok, back to the story. One of the papers in the folder isn't actually a letter. It's sort of an essay. Or just random rantings on falling in love. I wrote it back in 2006. Oh it brings back memories why I wrote it. Hahaha! But I'm not going to say what happened back then.

To those who know, just keep it to yourselves, ok? Thanks!

Without further ado, I give you my latest entry.

o O o

Sometimes, in the past, late at night, when it's too quiet to pretend, I worry if I believe in anything at all, or at least, in anything beautiful. I believed in change because it is permanent. I believed in pain because it is sometimes physical. I believe in anger because it can consume you. But I was not sure I can believe in either love or trust. I could not then understand these two things most people build their dreams on.

Love fails to be unconditional by that one condition itself. It ends when we fall out of it. Then, we claim it never was love because love shouldn't die. It is forever. But when it becomes a routine, love does die. Lastly, when love turns selfish, confusing and burdensome, it isn't beautiful anymore.

As for trust, it was self-explanatory until I doubted it. When curiosity gives way to suspicion, betrayal isn't far behind. For every failed judgment, we ask ourselves: "Did I trust too little or too much?" It is difficult to shut up every question in favor of complete trust, only to realize too late something you could have known had you only asked. Where does love and trust start and end?

I have seen hundreds of people disappointed over unfulfilled relationships. I have seen passion turn into poison. I have grieved with them for the love they lost or never found. We seem to love so much, but now it's gone. We ask ourselves, "Why do I feel so lonely even if he's right beside me? Why can't our relationship be more than this?"

I think all people have, at one point in their life, experienced painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement, even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time can't be reversed.

Now, falling in love in itself is doubted by people around you. They cannot feel the warmth that consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy that grips you. They do not know that mental stress you experience trying to rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in love with a person who doesn't love you back. Oftentimes, people in love are painted as puppies following their loved ones at a distance and enjoying it. Oftentimes, people in love are misunderstood.

Who can enjoy running around with your heart on your sleeve? It's like trying to cross a tight rope and always falling into jagged cliffs because you are nervous, oh so nervous! Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It is a thousand deaths every time. It is an "unmourned" for death because no one else can understand.

Love is not sustained by hope but by wishes. There's a difference. No matter how perverse, people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly wishing that he'd give a sign to show it isn't hopeless. In desperation, unrequited lovers can even imagine signs if only to remain sane.

How can you love a brick wall? A dead end? A slavery without any sign of salvation? How foolish! How unreasonable! Unfortunately, how human, too!

"Why won't he love me? What is wrong with me?" Scattered thoughts echoing such pain are not exactly abnormal. Even the best-looking, best-hearted people can't always expect others to love them back. Why? People sometimes need to feel unloved by everyone so that they learn to love themselves.

There is nothing wrong with unrequited love. It happens all the time. I won't delude you into thinking that if he can't love you back, he is not worth it. In fact, believe that he is. He is worth it all: the headaches, the anxiety, the embarrassment. He is worth it because, like you, he needs others loving him. This sounds funny but the world is round for a reason. We are all part of a circle. If you love him and he loves someone else, just think of whom you're hurting by loving him. It's a cycle. Whose love are you not returning?

I know we can love deeply, tenderly and lastingly. I have seen such love. I learned that, aside from love and trust, a fulfilling relationship begins when two people make their time together their number one priority. If we hope to find love, we must first find time for loving. Many couples experienced a tragic moment together that taught them to value their time together. How we see our partners often depends on how we are than how they are. We are not audience but participant observers in each other's lives.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we're always learning, discovering and growing.

Lastly, this may be a cliche but there is someone who is right for you, and even if he's not, he'd still be right because loving doesn't make sense until you accept it and make it real.

October 18, 2006.

I was browsing through my old journals and I stumbled upon this particular entry I wrote three years ago. I didn't actually write it. It's part of a song, I believe, by Juan Carlos Calderon.

It just struck me, considering I wasn't in love with anyone at that time. I guess I just really like the song that time...

Como una promesa eres tu...

Como una sonrisa eres tu...

Todo mi esperanza eres tu...

Te quiero

To translate...

You are like a promise

You are like a smile

You are all my hope

I love you...

Playing "Dr. Margie"

It's really amazing how people find it so hard to believe that I have yet to be in a relationship.

Last night, I was chatting with a couple of friends. Three, to be exact. Two guys, one girl. The funny thing was that -- they all had "problems" in their own relationships and they all came to me for advice. No, these people don't know each other. It just so happens that these three are good friends of mine who have been involved with their significant others for years.

I always wonder why they come to me for advice. When I get in a relationship and I'd have a problem, shouldn't I be the one to go to them and ask for their advice? They're the ones who have gone through it. But alas, there I was, chatting away, listening to what they have to say, and waiting for them to let me know if they needed what I wanted to say.

Surprisingly, they welcomed my advice with open arms. I quote my guy friend, "Ibang klase ka talaga, Marge! NBSB pero ang daming alam sa pag-ibig!" If he was right in front of me, I'd probably have slapped him. Haha! Kalokohan talaga! Yes, I've been single since forever. But just because I've never been in a relationship doesn't mean I don't have my shares of kilig and sawi. Hehehehe.

So yeah, I played "therapist" for a couple of hours. Or maybe because I was in such an emo mood that I've decided to let it out by playing "Dr. Margie."

Well, I gotta go for now and prepare for Mass.

Be right back.

Sharing.

As I sit here in front of my PC and keeping myself busy, I received a text message from a friend of mine. It goes like this:

Bakit masarap magmahal ang mga taong komedyante?

1. Hirit pa lang nila, panalo na!

2. Lagi kayong masaya kahit problemado na.

3. Hindi ka talaga tatanda kakatawa.

4. Magaling magdala ng damit kahit sablay na.

5. Kapag naging seryoso, talagang tatamaan ka!

6. Sigurado malalahian ka ng talino -- hirap mag-isip para lang magpatawa.

And lastly...

7. Kahit sinaktan mo na, feeling mo ok lang sa kanya...kaya hindi mo alam, halos mamatay na siya kung paano niya ilalabas iyak niya.

Completely disregarding the last part of that message, I have to say, I absolutely agree. It's true.

If you ask my friends, one of the things they will tell you about me is that it's not easy to make me laugh. So it's important for me to meet a guy who has that kind of sense of humor that can absolutely break me.

Have I found a guy like that? I've met two. In all my years of living, I've met only two guys who have the "ability" to crack me up with his sense of humor. Who those two guys may be, I will not say.

Nothing really much to blog about. I just felt like sharing that particular message.

When it hits me, it hits me hard...

Every single person in this world waits for love in their life.
Some people say love didn't come to them but it was right in front of their eyes.
Some people wait a lifetime for true love.

I should know, I'm still waiting for my true love.

Is it love or infatuation? That is always my contemplation.
But I started believing the confusion is the first sign of falling in love.
And I've learned that to fall in love is a risk everyone should take.

I admit -- I am afraid.

I am afraid that I will fail to see the one who loves me was standing right in front of me.
I am afraid that he will fail to see that I love him in return.
I am afraid that I am waiting too long to tell him how I feel...because it might be too late then.

Every now and then, I wish it was then instead of now.

So that I can finally say...
When I found you, I felt as if my heart found its destination.
I prayed to God to reveal the person who loves me; He revealed you.

Or maybe I've already met him.

Then I'd be telling him...
You have no idea what you do to me.
And even if you did, you'd probably still do it anyway.

Whatever happens.
Wherever he is.
I truly believe I'll know.

He may not be the most attractive, he may not say all the right words, but when I see him, I'll know because he's the one that can make you smile, laugh, and cry all at the same time.

Saturday Blogging.

Too often these days, we get so caught up in the mundane details of our lives that we forget to see the wonder in what we have, in the loves and friendships we find in our lives. We are so busy with our academic loads and our daily jobs that we forget to see the miracles all about us. Weighed down by our every day lives, we forget that fairy tales can come true.

There is magic in love, beauty in friendship. Is it not a miracle that in all the wide world, two people might find each other, fall in love, and spend their lives with one another? Sometimes when life treats us unfairly, when love leaves us broken-hearted, we forget that someday our prince will come. But if we open our hearts to the wonder about us, our own fairy tales can come true.

Believing in the magic in everyday life, seeing that our lives can be fairy tales, doesn't mean that the real world is any less there. Bills still need to be paid, daily jobs must be worked. But happiness is something we choose to have, as much as it is something we find, and when you choose to see the wonder in your life, miracles can happen.

In this world of rent, bills, and jobs, two people might - through a series of amazing coincidences - meet. Become friends. Fall in love. Find in each other they kind of quiet solace and passionate love that is the envy of others.